There’s a period of time after having a baby where I get wacky. It’s a certain kind of anxiety that can make me come close to what I can only assume are panic attacks – can’t get enough air to breathe, feeling panicked and frantic. This time around, with Eliza, I find myself feeling a bit more on top of these feelings. By that I mean I feel like I can recognize what’s happening and breathe through them. Nevertheless, they are scary and if I’m not in a good frame of mind – I’m tired or I’m hungry or something else has been upsetting that day, my reality gets pretty unglued. Tonight was one of those nights. I’m tired and a little overwhelmed with some extra added responsibilities and then wham.
I can see my mother’s hand reaching for the phone before she’s even finished that paragraph up there.
OK, I’ll explain.
My parents are generous people. They bought my an ipod for my birthday and at first I thought, “Holy Shit! An Ipod!” (why does capitalizing the word ipod seem wrong?) Then, I thought, “But I don’t listen to music all that much so wtf with the music gift?”
Then I took my head out of my seemingly music hating ass* and discovered the world of podcasts. Wow. Wowowowowowow.
So I download podcasts from The Economist, the BBC and the piece de resistance, planning seminars from Virginia Tech.
I am loving it.
I play with Eliza while listening to documentaries about street youth crime in London and I wash the dishes while learning how compact planning might very well save our planet by reducing the amount of time we spend in cars.
The only problem is that I’ve also found Discovery Channel’s “How to Survive” series. Yes. I have found the exact thing that will set off my anxieties. Tonight I watched two video podcasts on “How To Survive a Submerged Car” and “How to Escape a Fire”.
Ask me which two scenarios am I most afraid of in terms of keeping my children safe. Yup.
Let’s just say that going on and off the ferry in a car with my children is so terrifying that I would rather walk across with them and meet Dickson in the parking lot. He has never actually let me do this because he is sane. Instead no one is ever buckled up and all windows are rolled down – regardless of the weather. We do it Britney Spears style, ya’ll.
Well, we have scenarios – at least, as much as I can without scaring the beejebus out of my extra-sensitive son. I’m a lot better about the fire thing since moving to this new place though. The windows are easily opened and I can feasibly get to both children from the outside. It wouldn’t’ be easy but Dickson and I could do it whereas the last place we moved to had death windows, no back exit and Franklin’s bedroom was on an unattainable 3rd floor.
Crap. My heart is still racing about these videos.
Why do I do this to myself?
Ummm thanks for the gift, Mom and Dad.
*I don’t hate music. Actually, I really love music. It’s just that I think for a person with only one working eyeball, occupying my ears while on the go is a bit of a problem. I like my senses to be sharp. I’m much like a ninja that way.