July, 2009

2057-2095c, originally uploaded by AliceJapan.

It has been so amazingly hot this past week that I have actually been wearing sleeveless dresses and footwear that merely wraps around the ankle and crosses between my toes. If I could have got away with Eliza’s daily dress of a diaper and a few hair elastics, I would have. Alas, once again I am thwarted by social norms of decency and basic hygiene.

Yes, once again.
Dammit.

West Coast hippies don’t have AC. It doesn’t usually get over 27 degrees Celsius out here. Our houses aren’t built for this heat. I had to clean my toes and shave my armpits in order to wear cool enough clothing appropriate for work. For goodness sake, I’m whining!

Whining!

I’m hot – although the heat seems to be breaking this evening. I’m also dead tired. Eliza doesn’t sleep well in the heat. She, like about a billion other babies, gets heat rash. It’s right at her hair line and behind her ears. It’s itchy and clearly uncomfortable. At this heat (35 degrees in the shade at one point), even the electric fans don’t work. The top section of our place is just one big mass of hot air – circulating hot air from the fans doesn’t make it any less hot. We’ve tried to place ice cubes in front of the fans – poor man’s version of AC, I suppose. However, this works for… 5 minutes once the ice melts.
It’s quite fascinating, really. Downstairs is bearable but as soon as you turn the corner on the stairs and walk the last few steps up to the bedrooms you are slapped in the face by a hard wave of heat.

Blech.

Maggie, make me a drink.

Thrifty Finds- Off With Their Heads, originally uploaded by chicagokristi.

When I was younger, I had a thing for Cabbage Patch dolls. And by “a thing” I mean, they freaked me out. I wanted one, but I didn’t. You know?

Anyway…. what I’m trying to say is that the whole “Adoption” aspect of the cabbage patch doll phenomenon really grabbed me. I never actually had one of those dolls but that’s only because my parents didn’t believe in the whole “gotta be the store brand” thing and I was perpetually walking around with No-Name type dolls that “looked just as good” and was “the exact same thing”. I remember twitching every time I was presented with such a gift and then finding that once I brought it over to my friends house none of us ever really gave a damn – because, of course, all Barbies look the same once naked and donning their crew cuts.
It’s pretty much identical to the present day when I twitch at the sight of my daughter’s snot encrusted face, sun block greased hair, drool moistened shirt, caked cracker and marker decorated clothing… until I bring her over to a friend’s house and no one blinks an eye.

Still, the idea of cabbage patch adoption was interesting. I wonder if this is when adoption became such an alluring idea for me. I wonder if this is why I’ve always thought I would adopt a child before actually… breeding. Things never work out the way you think they will when you are twelve though. I also thought I’d be wearing pig-tails at 26 and my hair would be as long as Crystal Gayle’s apparently enviable mane. Didn’t happen.

Fast forward 23 years and I have two children that I love and am thankful for every day. Well, some days more than others in the thankful department but only because I’m an ungrateful parent. Had I adopted children, I would still be as grateful/ungrateful, I’m sure. However, I still see something so very special in the bond between adopted children and their parents.

A short while ago, Imagine Adoption, an agency that helps family adopt children from Africa, declared bankruptcy. What happens to these families and the children in the midst of their adoption processes? It’s not like you no longer have a warranty on your vacuum cleaner because Dyson has gone under. These are real people – children under extreme stress, Canadian families risking everything they have financially and emotionally. What happens now?

Nothing.
I’m serious

There is nothing set up to save these children. This boggles my mind. It’s hard enough to find a company that you trust to do the process ethically and sensitively, now you need to worry about the bankruptcy. Ontario’s Ministry of Children and Youth Services require agencies to hold a license but it doesn’t seem like much else is in place for things like this.

I’ve spent far too long writing this post. I wanted to say more and do more research regarding children in Ethiopia and Ghana where this agency works, but it will have to be sufficient enough to give all of you a link to the petition asking the Ontario government to help these stranded kids and their families waiting in Canada.

There are also many stories from the families who have been affected by this – specifically, a childhood friend of mine who has been writing about her adoption journey for more than a year.

International adoption is much more than my 12 year old self could have ever imagined. It’s more than wandering into the first toy store and choosing a doll with Xavier Roberts’ written on it’s butt. It takes so much time and sacrifice. There are so many bureaucratic hurdles to jump and red tape to tangle with that the entire journey can take years. To spend this amount of time and emotion and patience in a system and find out that it is all lost…

It just can’t end this way.

ECS, originally uploaded by Aaron Kaspar.

Two things I never thought would go together:

1) Eliza is sick

2) The university looks beautiful at night

Now I seem to say them often.

People try to console me with how often children are sick when they first enter daycare by saying that they will avoid the barrage of germs once they enter Kindergarten. Why is this better? Is Kindergarten supposed to be so highly structured that it’s a danger to their education to miss days on a regular basis?

And can someone even confirm this? Franklin went to a private Kindergarten where most of the children were the peers he went to preschool and infant care with so they were all “hardened”. There weren’t many sick days for Franklin once he entered public school last year, sure. However, I wouldn’t really know if any other kids were sick a lot. I wasn’t really taking attendance and public school isn’t really all that intimate like the private care we were in before. In Kindergarten we knew if a child was constipated. In Grade One, I didn’t even know half the kids he played with at recess.

I can’t change the way we do things but it’s hard. The last time we brought out the humidifier was when Franklin was about this age. She’s coughing so hard she has trouble sleeping. I watched her today as she napped and she is literally heaving that little body. So much mucus. Didn’t we just do this play two weeks ago?

The mucus is clear though. That’s a good sign, right?
Clear = good. Green = bad.
And there is no fever.
No fever = no infection.

I haven’t had a chance to Google her symptoms yet. That tells you how needy my day has been with her. I’ll do anything to help her out. She’s fine up right but lay her down and she can’t breathe – even an incline doesn’t seem to help.

I’m at work now (10:26pm) and I hope to head home soon so that I can play “hold the baby” until morning.

Argh.
This is hard.

Curator at NFB, Donald McWilliam’s comment:

When Grant Munro made this brilliantly animated film, there was heated societal debate about war toys and their effect on children. When one looks at the film now, one can see its current relevance to a discussion about video games. We filmmakers always think our films are totally clear. But, in fact, viewers bring their own beliefs and history to the films they watch. Imagine Grant Munro’s dismay when he received the following letter: “I saw your film entitled ‘Toys’ on Channel 10, December 28, 1971. Where did you get those marvelous war toys? My children are now so disappointed in their Christmas presents. The gifts they received can’t compete with the great creations you employed. Please advise me of where you purchased these ingenious war toys. Birthdays are coming and I do want to get some.”

I’ve had a number of people, in my own family and among friends, who think my aversion to gun related toys is a little ridiculous. Not even touching the issue about respecting the way Dickson and I have decided to raise our children, I find the entire culture surrounding guns and war destructive and frightening. I wasn’t raised with guns (for play) in our home. Yes, we made guns out of Lego and sticks, but we didn’t get into it as much as those who buy into Mattel and Hasbro. It ended with the creation and we went on to play Sardines and Statues and, for my brothers, Let’s Drop the Cat into the Wading Pool.

Camo Gear for babies (green and pink) confuses me.
Water Play that seems to solely come in machine gun and pistol form.
Lego themes that have a gun in every (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Agents, Space Patrol…).
Star Wars characters that come with weapons who don’t even carry a weapon in the actual film.

I cannot understand how adults don’t see a toy gun and realize what it represents. We give them to our children because they want it – but are we thinking about why they want it? Who is telling them guns are fun and war is a game? The children know what guns mean – trust me on this. However, they don’t understand the actual consequences of war. The amount of violence that comes out of some kids that Franklin hangs with makes me cringe and worry about the future. Society is glorifying violence. We are all gung-ho about teaching our children to recycle and conserve water but violence against the earth includes violence against each other.

I’m going on record to say that all this is going to bite us in the ass.

father and son, originally uploaded by themexican.

A little while ago I mentioned that my friend Jenn had a few things to say about Eliza’s rejection of my comforts when she first began childcare. I’ve been so busy and a little too preoccupied with sick kids to give the post I wanted to write enough thought but I’m committed to do it now.

Plus, it’s raining and I don’t have to water the garden.

Jenn just had a second baby. Her son is 3 years old so her children are spaced much closer together than Franklin and Eliza. They are both at home with her as well so her son was used to having his mother 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The transition to a new member of the family that needed more care from Jenn must have been quite a change for him so when she mentioned that she was going through something similar I was happy to get her opinion on things. Of course, add this to the fact that she’s incredibly insightful and a whole lotta cool and, well, I wasn’t surprised at her awesome reply.

Jenn mentioned that her son also gave her the cold shoulder for a while after her daughter arrived, and that her husband became the best thing since sliced bread. She mentioned that she had to mourn the lost bond between her and her son for a bit, but then admitted that it was for the best – although it still hurt to see him to turn to his Daddy instead of her.

However, what really showed me how incredibly insightful Jenn is as a mother and what really gave me an example of her beautiful ability to understand her children was the following quote from her email:

Before, we were so, so, so close that it didn’t really leave much room for Dylan. I now realize I wasn’t giving Dylan much of a chance to be a Dad, and in a way, that was holding Finn back. Finn has grown so much since Rosemary. He’s more independent. He plays nicer. He’s totally in love with Dylan. He’s redefined our relationship, and it’s been for the better. It’s been so good for Dylan too. He’s grown as a father too. He’s not just a play toy for Finn once in a while, but he’s actually taking care of his son. I didn’t realize that was missing from their relationship.

That part made me cry because every father wants to be a role model for their child and wants to take on such care but too many times I think society prevents them from believing this is their right and something they can be good at. Many times it’s even us, the mothers, who prevent this. We think we have to take the sacrifice and be the one who can understand our children like no one else. We held them inside our bodies, right? They were a part of us. It’s our job.

Jenn went on to say,

I guess in order to separate from you, kids need to hate you for a bit or something. Finn pushed me away, but he’s come back. It’s different and better. I know it’s all part of the growing-up process that will be repeated again and again. I can’t hardly wait for the teenage years. Ugh. I told myself it was normal, but it’s still heartbreaking. Shit, I never realized how much kids break their parents hearts.

She swears too. Girl after my own heart.

Anyway, you and Eliza will make it through this. Your relationship will be different, but probably better. I really think that parents sometimes hold their kids back for their selfish reasons, and it’s hard to see that. I know I wanted to hold Finn so close and thought it was really good for him, but now I see I was really doing it for myself. It sounds so cheesy, but to let them grow, you have to let go. Ugh. Again, with the heartbreak! I try and visualize the independent, secure, competent person I want Finn to be; that’s the goal anyway, and holding onto him too tightly won’t get him there.

Eliza and I did make it through. In fact, we are doing great as an entire family. What’s more? Dickson and Eliza are extremely close. He calls her his “Special Lady Friend” and every time he talks to her about their clandestine relationship I think about how lucky she is to have such an amazing father.

Alberta Pacific Grain CO, originally uploaded by bealluc.

Iris Evans made a comment last month about family life, childcare, education and mental illness. What she was supposed to be focusing on, as Alberta’s finance minister, was finance – and she was doing that. In fact, what she was proposing was pretty news worthy in itself – the ALBERTA BOOM apparently needs Five Billion Dollars after reporting its first deficient in more than 10 years. I’d hate to think what they would need had they been a “Have Not” province… not that I’m saying anything about how well she does her job at all. She would know the state of Alberta’s finances much better than I.

See what I did there? I admitted that I may not know the full picture.
I’m not saying I don’t have an opinion on it, though.

Just like Iris Evans has an opinion on how to raise children. She’s allowed an opinion. In fact, she has experience in this area. Apparently, she has raised her three sons through some of her own financial difficulties. So when she offhandedly remarked that good parenting requires one parent to stay home, admitting the financial sacrifice that this would incur, she had done some personal research in the area.
And even though this was her opinion and not a move toward changing government policy, the general public went a little wacko. She tried to apologize but the debate had begun and I still get the odd email with a link to her statements.

The thing is, Iris Evans said what a lot of people think. Hell, if more parents stayed at home then governments wouldn’t have to fund day cares or consider full time Kindergartens – regardless of the research proving the benefits for these programs on children’s development.

Five Billion Dollars.

If one parent stayed at home then perhaps we wouldn’t be using our tax dollars for funding those Baby Boomers and their nursing homes, either. They can move in with the grandkids!

Five Billion Dollars.

What about that comment regarding mental health issues? Seriously? We are up in arms about the Stay At Home Parent thing (which is nothing new) and let the fact that a former minister for Health and Wellness links parenting skill to deficiencies in mental health?!? Of course, parents who might be plunking their children in front of Sesame Street telling themselves that they are teaching their precious offspring to read are better simply because they are at home? I highly doubt this is what she was saying and yet… this is what she said.
Or perhaps children with mental health issues are less likely to be diagnosed at home? There are no educational professionals at home who notice warning signs, ask for tests, or begin early prevention. From my own experience, if a mother thinks there could be something wrong isn’t she a lot easier to dismiss as paranoid or “searching for perfection” than someone trained in Early Childhood Education?

Again, Five Billion Dollars.

I’m not trying to say Iris Evans is a part of a conspiracy to save the government billions of dollars in social care costs. No one listens to a conspiracy theorist on the internet (or off, really). However, to lump educating your children about the value of a dollar AND raising the stay at home parent flag AND the root cause of declining mental health all in one package either says she’s never had any coaching in public speaking, is extremely ignorant or maybe, just maybe… she’s getting good at her job.