December, 2009

Christmas Morning, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

It’s Christmas and I’m having a wonderful time. We kept it relaxed this year and didn’t host or visit with anyone. After the illness we’ve gone through the last few months, we aren’t taking any chances on airplanes and are enjoying the decadence of our own company. The only visiting we did was through skype and phone call. The photo above is of my brother opening up his stocking while in the corner, Eliza is playing with her dollhouse.

We opened gifts gradually. Each time a family member skyped or called, we opened. It was certainly not orchestrated that way – it just happened. The kids opened their gifts and had the time to examine and play with them instead of the frantic devouring I remember as a child. I think it stemmed from the dinner table and being one among five. Who knows. It doesn’t matter.

Wonderful and decadent.

We are still having a wonderful holiday, actually. I’m really loving this time with everyone. Dickson had to work today and will tomorrow so it is just me, Franklin and Eliza – and no, I’m not ready to throw them to the neighbours. We are really having a blast. Perhaps because this kind of time together isn’t our usual routine? Perhaps because the whiskey fudge I made was extra heavy on the whiskey? Who knows. It doesn’t matter.

We are investigating everything we can get our hands on – strange kitchen utensils seemed to be the rage today.

We are taking long walks – Eliza got a tricycle for Christmas and Franklin received yet another light saber – the best one of all. It is not hard to gather everyone up to take advantage of the amazing sun. Today was spent more outside than in and their rosy cheeks made me thank the heavens (for the millionth time these last few weeks) for their health.

We are having long discussions. Once Eliza goes down for a nap, Franklin and I are having the coolest talks. For instance, his first memory? It was of Dickson accidentally kicking a Thomas train off of our old townhouse balcony. He was chuckling as he told this story to me. It seemed to be a nice memory, not because he wasn’t upset (he admitted that he remembered being scared for his train), but because of how fast Dickson ran down to get it and how interesting it looked to see his father, from way above, rescuing his train.

How cool is it to be a part of your child’s first memory!?!?

I love my family. I am blessed.

Fly, Franklin! Fly!, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

Yesterday was the epitome of the season for me. Checking things off the list and then adding more to the bottom, over-extending my cooking abilities for guests, starting things at the last minute all low key and ending things off un-showered and frazzled in a laughing fit of “What the hell”.

I mean, if they are our friends, they don’t care if I have to take a shower after they arrive, right? They’ll understand that I’m unexpectedly in the midst of a serious phone conversation just as they enter the house, right?

Um…
Right?

It’s funny. I felt frazzled, but in a good way. Last year’s gingerbread house party was such an easy success that I got my knickers in a knot trying to recreate the same ease. Hmmm, what changed from last year…. let me see….

1. Eliza was breastfeeding and had not one cold or flu bug in her little life.
In fact, the only thing we were dealing with at the time in terms of her health was a bit of constipation. Ah, I miss those days of deer poop in the diapers. All it took was a bit more yogurt and a lot more water on my part. I wish it were so simple now.

2. I was maternity leave.
When I first starting maternity leave, I committed myself to all sorts of insane things like becoming the site coordinator of the community garden and running an art gallery in my house. By the time Christmas came around, I had slowed the crazy train down quite a bit and only hung out with family.

3. There wasn’t a recession.
In actual fact, the recession isn’t hitting us all that hard. Dickson’s work is still busy and when people can’t find work, they go back to school, which means I’m not worried about a lay-off either. However, this recession is hitting people around us both financially and emotionally. It’s not just the jobs, the media can really get to you. Everyone seems to be telling the general masses that we are supposed to be “tightening our belts” and that “the holidays will be hard”. So, even if we’re doing okay, we internalize this message – “Hold on tight! It’s going to be hard! You are going to feel like crap! There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth!”
The number of wonderful people in my life that are going through hard times, most especially emotionally, seems to be rising by leaps and bounds. The holidays are hard for so many people and this year seems to have an emotional hammer bonking those who are already feeling blue. We got free cable this month to take advantage of the Christmas specials and I’m astounded at the doom and gloom spewing from our television. It’s toxic.

And y’all know my thoughts about sugar so I won’t go there tonight.

So, yesterday afternoon, while I was cursing my decision to go to bed the night before and not make the gingerbread houses in the wee hours of the morning, the houses were not looking good. Some of the edges had been the oven a little too long. The icing wasn’t given enough time to set the sides before I was trying to desperately glue on the tops. I was already feeling stressed for time and Franklin wanted help making his podracer – “Can you come now, Mom? Please? I need help. I ripped it! Ahhh!”

Sigh

I sat down on the floor and took the time (that two seconds ago I had too little of) to gain some perspective. Last year was stressful as well – for many different reasons – and it will always be that way. However, it seems that for me, once the big stuff is done I’m more happy than if I had by passed it all by in an effort to make things “less stressful”. I suppose I like the challenge of decorating 5 gingerbread houses, getting a dinner together and taking care of the kids while Dickson has to run about doing errands before the work week begins again. I did it and we ended the night happily.

And the most important thing is that if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t have mattered a bit to the friends we had invited. Still, I’m proud of my slightly burnt, extra iced gingerbread houses. I’m proud that I was able to get that perspective in the middle of all the chaos.

Happy Solstice, everyone.
Remember to breathe.

my kids, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

Yes, she’s sick again.
Again.

It’s getting harder and harder to keep upbeat about the season when I’m walking the house all night with a child who can’t sleep due to the coughing and the congestion.

It’s not pneumonia (yet?) but it’s not fun, either.

Sick! Again!

The doctor has told us that this is a consequence of the H1N1 she contracted in October. Her immune system is down and will be for some time yet. She is susceptible to everything. We have been advised to keep her out of the public germ pool for at least 3 to 5 weeks. I want to pack her into the softest, most comfortable bubble and equip her with germ bodyguards 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Since Hallowe’en, my life has become one large emotional roller coaster. Franklin has been so patient and understanding about it all but even he is getting tired of the same old story. I’m exhausted – emotionally, physically and mentally – with all of the signs, symptoms, doctor’s appointments and concentrated efforts to “hold it together”.

In fact, I’ve recently told Dickson that I am done having children.

I wanted more but I can’t go through this kind of thing again. I can’t watch my child struggle with her breathing and fret over drastically fluctuating weight loss while fighting with doctors and scrutinizing medications. I’ve been trying to gloss it over and muddle through and to be honest, things have had their glimmers of joy. We aren’t all doom and snotty gloom around here. We also have had wonderful mothers who have been here to take her during the day.

But… but… well, I got an email the other day from a good friend who can see through my gloss. It only took one drunken and supposedly entertaining Christmas card to induce her to contact me and assure it was all going to be okay and that she’s been there – and that yes, it’s horrible.

Sure, it will be okay but…

No more, please.

, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

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1 1/2 cups (140 grams) toasted pecans, finely chopped (hazelnuts, walnuts, or almonds can be used)

I used bulk ground almonds because holy frozen beaver on a stick, are ground nuts expensive! I don’t own a nut grinder and I make my cookies in the wee hours of the morning so no processor option. My mother has an old fashioned nut grinder that has held up throughout my childhood cookie experimentation. As well, it has survived the annihilation of my barbie’s soft head. Sorry Mom.

Note to my siblings: If the time comes when Mom and Dad ask us to walk around the house putting coloured dots on the things we want to take with us when they are dead and/or holed up in a nursery home (Lord help the nurses), I have dibs on the nut grinder and the glass double boiler.

1 1/4 cups (120 grams) finely crushed vanilla wafer cookies or shortbread cookies

When this recipe says “fine”, it means FINE! because otherwise, you get what looked to be little bitty chunks actually large honking boulders in your delicate rolls. They do mention a food processor often but when I’m cooking (and drinking) I don’t like to wake the kidlets and therefore disrupt my drinking… I mean cooking.

1/2 cup (55 grams) confectioners sugar (powdered or icing)

2 tablespoons (12 grams) cocoa powder (can used Dutch processed or regular unsweetened cocoa powder)

Dutch processed? Huh? What? Whatever. I used the stuff that tastes awful if you actually tried to spoon it into your mouth straight from the package. You know the stuff.

, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

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2 tablespoons light corn syrup

1/4 cup (60 ml) rum

Rum means dark, white, or light. In fact, although these are called rum balls you could make bourbon balls simply by replacing the rum with bourbon. Hell, put in gin for all I care. I’m just trying to add my little bit of cheer to the holidays (and, let’s be honest, your afternoon staff meetings).

The recipe then says, “You will probably notice that after mixing the ingredients the batter can be quite sticky. To prevent your hands from becoming a mess, chill the batter for about 30 minutes and lightly butter the palms of your hands before forming into balls.

Har.
Either I’m really fucking good or I did something wrong because this wasn’t all that sticky. My hands were hardly lickable. Then again, I was drunk so what did I know.

, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

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Garnish:

sugar (powdered or icing), sifted

, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

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While I rolled the cookies in powdered sugar, you could also roll them in granulated white sugar, cocoa powder or even chopped nuts. These really taste better if left for at least a few days so the flavors have time to mingle and soften.

Make sure to store the rum balls in a covered container in the refrigerator and label them “Kale Meatballs” so that your husband doesn’t “taste test” them.

Learn from my mistakes, young padawans.

Source: Lovegren, Sylvia. Fashionable Food. MacMillan. New York: 1995.

, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

1) My best friend and hands down the oddest person I know, my husband

2) My precious, precious family

3) The opportunity to go outside and climb a mountain without worrying about air quality, traffic, crime, health, finances, etc…

4) My wonderful, supportive, will always tell you the straight-up shit, friends

5) The beauty in my little corner of the world

Heron, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

For the longest time, I told myself that I would never live away from snow. My family had lived in Quebec and Northern British Columbia all my life. Snow was what I knew.

Fall was my favourite time of year because I was all about the anticipation of the snow. I could smell it coming. Then, when it finally fell, everything seemed right in the world. I was where I belonged.

This evening, Franklin caught a glimpse of a slalom race on a television screen and was fixated. It was pretty neat to tell him that I used to do that same thing;

Yes, I even bashed the “poles” down, but they are called gates.
I had padding.
Yeah, it’s fun.
Sure, we can go skiing together some time (when we win the lottery, my man)

Skiing seems like an entirely different lifetime ago. Now, when (if) we get snow, it is only here for a short time. It is also so damp, I can’t smell it coming. It’s not a friendly visit but more of a crash landing. The whole city shuts down and my neighbours try to get outside first so they can finally try out that $80 snow shovel that they only use once or twice a year.

The other day I found incredibly good quality snow pants for both Franklin and Eliza at a second hand clothing store. I was so proud to bring them home only for Dickson to look at me like I was absolutely bonkers. To be honest, you really only need rain gear to weather the snow fall in Victoria.

Whatever.
We just might win that lottery.
Of course, this means I’ll need to learn how to buy a ticket.

Still, things aren’t all that horrible without snow. Now that I’ve lived this long in Victoria, I find my solace in the sea.

When I would fly from Edmonton to Victoria to visit Dickson during our “courting months”, I got the distinct impression that when one flies over large expanses of water, the scene will suddenly transform into a living, breathing, incredibly humongous animal. The ocean becomes alive. It literally begins to breath. The texture takes on the look of skin and the movement is rhythmical. It is mesmerizing.

The beautiful thing about Victoria is that one is never far away from the ocean no matter where you live. Lucky for us, it is a 20 minute walk from our house. I can sit on the beach and watch the ocean breath. I can close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the waves. I can feel the gritty sand and the smooth driftwood. It energizes and calms me at the same time.

So now here I am. A girl who never thought she could survive a life away from snow finds herself in a position to say that she could never survive a life away from the ocean.

I think my fickleness is actually quite understandable.
It’s the large chunks of nature that I’m addicted to. If I were living in the centre of Tokyo, I would still be happy as long as I had my telescope and could be awestruck at the large chunk of universe above.

Thank-you, Taita, originally uploaded by Ada I dirtyolive.

Our little family is truly blessed to have such wonderful people looking out for us. Both my parents and Dickson’s parents are some of the most selfless and generous people I have ever met.

In the last few months, there have been days where I was so sick I couldn’t open my eyes, never mind move – but my Mom was here, chasing after Franklin or Eliza and making sure everyone had eaten and were getting enough sleep. When I had taken an indecent amount of time off work and Eliza had still not recovered from pneumonia, I knew that she would be safe, well cared for, doted on and understood when I left her with her Taita.

I know that not everyone is so lucky to have such support in their life. I know that my own parents were not this fortunate.

I don’t think I can express how grateful Dickson and I are to feel this kind of love. Not only do we know that you are able to come, but we understand that you relish the opportunity – even if it means that we contaminate you with our viruses and exhaust you with our lumpy hide-a-bed.

Thank-you
Thank-you
Thank-you

The reason why my twitter account is protected

It’s been a crazy few days.

I’m looking forward to a month of relative calmness where my only concerns are work deadlines, school concerts, entertaining friends, decorating the house, worrying about money and missing my family.

Sometimes, when you think the most important things are in jeopardy and you think your life is completely out of control, you start to appreciate the little things that once made you stressed and frazzled.

Here’s hoping that at the end of December my tweet cloud has fewer curse words and more celebration.