This is a letter to my good friend Charity. I thought it summed up what I wanted to say and it also is a way to say hello! to a wonderful friend...(thanx for the reply btw)

Hey There,

Thanks for the email. I am really touched that you come here to read it. I really don't think anybody else does. I once put the url on a public domain website (Metaness - there is a link to it on my front page) and I got quite few hits but I wonder if any have subsequently returned... It's really not for the celebrity anyways. I'm still deliberating what it's for actually.

As far as the fit/unfit thing goes. You're right, I was feeling melancholy. I was planning on posting a follow up to explain myself a little better (which is hard for me to do) but my roommate has been kind of monopolizing the computer. He is writing for the University newspaper and I am hoping he handed in his article today.

I guess I am still adjusting to Tasha's death. Believe it or not, I still cry about it. Not as often but I am tearing up as I write here. I never thought it would be this hard. I always knew there would come a day, but I wasn't prepared for the way it happened. I blame myself for the suffering and I am incredibly lonely. Tasha and I were connected on a different level than D and I. There is no way to say one is more important than the other, it was different and very powerful. I have definately changed because of it. I can see the difference in my personality and I am not sure of the pros and cons yet.

D and I were once talking about "the self" and that room inside your head where your concept of "you" is. I remember once being a subject for a pysch prof at the UofA where she was writing her PHd on the conseptualization of people's "self". I see myself as a little girl, believe it or not, sitting in a large red chair. It must be the Alice in Wonderland thing I have, I don't know. D was saying that no matter who he thought he would be with - before we met - he knew that he would always be alone. I tend to agree. It's hard to explain, and his brother completely disagrees with him, his brother feels that he once he met his wife, he ceased to be alone. I think that this is right as well. Some people are, together like that, and other people are alone, forever (a little like new vs old souls?....). One relationship is not stronger than the other but are on different planes, dealing with different kinds of people.

So anyway, this is how I felt when I posted that entry. It was a melancholy feeling, and I have felt "left behind" by Tasha - as flaky as it sounds I know - but it is also a good feeling. I think I have always felt this way and at times, when I have been insecure, I have fought to feel like I am one of the crowd. The funny thing is, there are probably alot of people that were doing the same.

I guess, I was just feeling like voicing the feeling. I didn't want to come across as "holier than thou" or "sad and depressed". I just didn't feel like I was walking among the rest, instead, a little offstep - which is good but at times lonely which is also good.