On Monday night I got together with a girlfriend to talk about anything and everything. It was great to have some time with a good friend again - without wondering when the next feeding was, when Franklin would be waking up from his nap, or what I still need to do before I went go to bed. It was very relaxing and I had such a good time.

That night I also confessed about some feelings I have been having since Franklin was born. I have never loved anyone as much as I love Franklin. Being with him has taught me so much about myself - how strong and how weak I can be. I am extraordinarily lucky to have the honour of being his mother but these feelings bring with them a whole new set of fears that I have a hard time keeping under control.

I worry about something terrible happening to him. I worry about something happening to me while I'm with him and therefore can't protect him. Although he is growing up fast, he is still a helpless little baby. What happens if I get knocked unconscious and he falls down the stairs? What happens if someone breaks into the house and kills me/rapes me while he's there? or he's in his crib? or he's in the bath?

I can't control everything around us and I know how ridiculous it is to think that even to try will solve a thing but I get can get so worked up sometimes I can't go to sleep. I lay awake thinking of worst-case scenarios to the most horrifying things I can think of just so I can try to find a rectifying plan of action.

Tonight I have been putting together Franklin's emergency "comfort pack" to be stored at his daycare in case something happens and they have to evacuate the building. In a large sealed zip-lock bag I have been asked to include the following:

The combination of this "comfort pack" and the talk with my friend the other night has made me a very paranoid person this evening. I am now thinking of a whole new set of catastrophes that are possible at daycare. I am flabbergasted it has taken me this long to become aware of all these new scenarios and I am ashamed he didn't have an emergency pack sooner.

I don't have to ask if this panic feeling goes away. I know it won't. I just want to be able to fall asleep without the feeling of impending doom in my stomach and this lump in my throat.