I was snubbed today. I pretty sure I was snubbed anyway. I stood there, waiting and waiting and waiting.... and I was ignored.

Snubbed.

But never mind because I discovered TWO tomatoes on my yellow cherry tomato vine. I can hardly wait.

Hardy wait.

I was so excited, I took this blurry photo of the perfect fruit. In fact, this may be a tomato that you would like, Chair. They aren't as acidic as regular tomatoes.

Actually, I have no idea why I feel the need to find you a tomato that you will enjoy. There must be some old Italian Mama inside me.

Speaking of the force-feeding Italian stereotype, I remember performing a piano duet with an Italian girl when I was young. She decided that we both had to wear baby blue to the performance because her skin looked good in baby blue. My only baby blue dress was incredibly too small for me. It was too small because her mother kept feeding me cookies whenever I went over to her house to practice (I like to blame my weight on other people). She didn't speak English, but I understood what a plate of cookies in my face meant.
Ah, the universal language of force-feeding, I mean, cookies.
Nevertheless, squeezing into that baby blue dress resulted in finishing the song at the concert without being able to feel any of my fingers. The arm pit holes were cutting off the circulation to my chubbed up arms.

We still got a trophy though. I'd scan in the picture of the two of us but it's slightly pornographic. The dress was stretched t-h-i-n and my friends weren't into the whole "bra scene" quite yet - ifyouknowwhatimean. My mother showed a lot of restraint letting me on stage wearing that dress. Of course, what coud happen at a piano recital held in a Christian Reform Elementary school gymnasium?

Why did I feel that I needed to add in the fact that I won?
Pathetic.
However, I think I may have used up all my winning karma before I hit high-school. Since then, my track record has been dismal.

This is my way of telling you I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week.

This has nothing to do with the snub. The snub is laughable and something I just wrote to start me writing tonight. Unfortunately, missing out on an extra $268.00 a month isn't as funny.

Ah well.
Onward and upward.

I don't know what to say. It was good and a little strange. I have a much better idea of how this place, where I would do pretty much anything that wasn't degrading or harmful to my family to work for, functions.

I'm not sure what kind of impression I made.

In the span of 4 hours, and the 2 the day before, I have been told I am a nice, shy, enthusiastic, clerically experienced, shy, highly educated, enthusiastic, coherent (!), articulate, friendly, shy, promising, ambitious, shy person that could use an "edge".

That edge thing... I don't know what it means but I'm working on it.

In fact, I'm filing my teeth while writing this.

(do you honestly think I am shy?!?!)

Look at the time. I've been sleeping on and off since midnight.
Hmmm, could this be the reason I feel lke I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff all the time?
I see that you're nodding - me too.

After that post yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with someone in regional planning who was very inspiring. I'm on the right track - it's a long track and will require a hell of a lot of effort on my part, but it's a track. The reality is, I need a Masters degree. I know that most people in Canada do not have one, but my profession dictates it. I can whine and stamp my feet all I want, I'm not getting around it. As well, I need more technical schooling and more volunteer work. These requirements are not so daunting when you are single and are not a parent working full time. However, I'm committed to my partner, I'm a parent and I work full time. What can I say, I certainly haven't chosen the easiest way to go about all of this.

Screw it. People go to Medical School in their mid-thirties, I can start my dream job in my mid-thirties. D and I have laid out a loose 5 year plan for the two of us and it has made me feel better - not only because he understands where I am going, but because he too is looking at starting something new.

I'm going on record to say that in 5 years we will have drastically changed our lives. We will not live in Victoria, we will not have the jobs we have and we will not be "just living". My biggest goal is not to look back in 5 years and say, "where did all that time go?" My life has to have more of a purpose than just living in the moment. Clearly, I would have never made a good hippy.

D and I have returned from our trip with an incredible desire to leave this city. Of course, Victoria's such a great place; full of jobs that I want but can't have, overflowing with houses that we'd love but can't afford, and spilling over with people we used to know, but have moved away.

So, I was off trying to finish my coursework and surf the net for job opportunities in the Okanagan at the same time. I started out very excited about it... until I delightfully told a neighbour of mine, that is. Apparently, I'll "never find a job" and the housing market is "just as bad" and it's "very hard to find any friends". I know that a measure of someone's unhappiness can be how unhappy they are for you and your happiness, but holy fcuk can we get any more negative?
I'm choosing to think she's just an unhappy woman who doesn't see how good she has it. I'm also choosing to think she doesn't read this, but if you do...

Hi There. Just a thought, tone down the negativity a bit. Think of the children - especially me.

However, this will make her smile: there's a job that I have been wishing for a long time - and it's in Salmon Arm.... and it's paid well.... and it's...wait for it, wait, waaaitttt.... requires a MASTER'S DEGREE, which I do not have.

I refuse to get too negative though. I don't want to be one of those people - hint hint.

I'm going to email my most charming email I have ever emailed in the whole wide world of emailing emails and tell Mr. "Master's Degrees Are Where It's At" that there are very qualified people who want to learn learn learn and may not have that Master's Degree they so covet because they were too busy living a life, having a family, earning money...

While we're complaining...
I am thinking here that my Please Everyone way of life "isn't working for me anymore" (to quote a really annoying person I used to know). Where did I read that as a blog gets more popular, the less the author is willing to write his or her own views on a subject for fear of upsetting anyone? I'm not sure. It's funny, I've been worried about that from the beginning and I don't think I'll change but... I need to change who I look to for support.

There are people in my life, my neighbour for example, who wish me well on the surface but really could care less about how I make my way through life. In fact, I almost suspect that any success on my part gives them serious heartburn. I always assumed it was an unspoken understanding with these people that although we enjoyed each other's company in many ways, if A, B or C were not in the picture we would steer clear of each other. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm calling it quits. I've been told "No" and "You can't do that" and "What your saying just isn't possible" too many times in the last 3 years or so for me to have the time to entertain people who ask me stupid questions and make insanely passive aggressive comments only to try and undermine my hopes. I'm sick of it.

I think most people come to this realization in their early twenties but alas, I'm emotionally stunted in the Everyone has to like me, if only on the surface arena. I have too many friends that I am so truely happy for and too many people I genuinely respect to bother with this anymore.

Crap. I'm negative now. Hell, lets be honest. I started out this post pretty negative, didn't I? I have to stop writing in this thing when I need to rant.

I just feel so stuck right now. I have so many things I want to do but I feel like there are a dozen things pulling me down. I don't need the fcuk-balls in my life as well.

Whatever. I have to get back to my homework. I need to finish Franklin's lunch. I need to get some laundry done for work and daycare. I need to look over some work policy. I need to stop trying to change people who like being rat bastards.